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Poems
Edward's poetry spans the generations and the censor options. For children's poetry, check out the Tutty and Fudd poems.
More adult themes are dealt with in Twitch, or Lather, Rinse, Repeat and Sing, O Muse.
The Ballad of Tutty and Fudd
Tutty and Fudd Adopt a Pet
There once was a girl named Tillie von Tutty
Who found she consisted of pure Silly Putty™.
In school or in lines she just couldn’t hold hands
Or they’d stretch down the block like two long rubber bands.
In art class her paintings all stayed plain and white
While her fingers retained every color in sight.
But one boy befriended her, no matter what –
He thought she was pretty and liked her a lot.
He went by the name of Frederick Fudd,
But the trouble was Fred was entirely mud.
No matter how thoroughly Fred wiped his feet,
He tracked mud in the house, he tracked mud in the street.
He couldn’t go outside in Spring in the rain –
For his parents were worried he’d slip down the drain.
But the class Fred and Tillie faced with fear and with dread
Was the one all the other kids loved, called Phys Ed.
Poor Tillie’s odd “Chin-ups” made girls laugh out loud
While Fred’s Volleyball team coughed in dust like a cloud.
Then fright made both Tillie and Fred’s hearts go “THUMP”
When the teacher announced the next contest – Broad Jump.
But Tillie smiled sadly and then ran like a fool
Down the track to the jump – and bounced over the school!
And Fred bravely ran and then leapt and went SPLAT!
He was spread out as flat as a mat – that was that.
When Tillie stopped bouncing she helped her friend Fred
Scrape himself off the ground and vowed “No more Phys Ed!”
And together they plotted a run for the hills
To a place where folks somehow would value their skills.
For Tillie could reach for the stars in the skies,
And Fred grew great plants and made perfect mud pies.
So they dashed to the station and sneaked onto a train,
Being careful to keep Fred Fudd out of the rain.
It rained in New Haven and rained through St. Paul,
In Washington State they were wettest of all,
But then the train turned and ran southward all day
And east to the old town they call Santa Fe.
They heard Mexican songs played on Indian flutes
And met artists, some sane, and some crazy as coots.
And the buildings were rounded with beautiful shapes.
Some were painted with flowers or ivy and grapes.
Tillie found she was helpful in making the prints
People used on the walls, since her hands retained tints.
And she reached for the stars that shone clearly each night
And she wove them in dreamcatchers, lovely and tight.
And Fred spent all day in the glorious sun,
And grew plants for folks’ gardens, and nourished each one.
He was thrilled when he learned that adobe is mud,
So now they both live in a house made by Fudd.Poetry
So here’s a new story of Tillie von Tutty,
The girl (you’ll recall) made of pure Silly Putty.
She lived in one-half of a cute house of mud
That was built by her talented best friend, Fred Fudd.
And they rose every morning with smiles for the day
Full of brilliant blue skies (the Sun loves Santa Fe).
But one day over waffles Fred sighed, “It’s a pity.
We should share our home with some cute little kitty.”
And Tillie agreed, so they dashed to the Shelter –
Where the cats purred at Tillie with looks that could melt her.There were white Persian longhairs and calico kittens,
Cats with black coats and white bibs and white mittens.
They preened and they primped and they pleaded for petting –
All except one small kitten. “She’s mean. There’s no getting
In close with that gold one. She hisses and bites!”
But Fred said, “She’s just scared. It’s no wonder she fights.
If she has a good home and good food she’ll get mellow.”
So they took her and fed her- lasagna and jello,
And fish sticks and French fries, and lobster burritos,
And the cat grew quite large, with a fondness for Cheetos.
But still she was distant, and sometimes she roared –
And Fred said, I think our new kitty is bored.”
‘When we’re out, she must feel no one loves her. If only
She had a companion, she wouldn’t feel lonely.”
And Tillie thought, “Maybe,” so they took her jalopy
And drove to the Shelter to find a cute puppy.
They found poodles and schnauzers and beagles and Scotties.
Some wagged and some scratched, and some practiced Pilotes.
But one gentle gray one was rather odd-looking.
His skin hung in folds. “He needs some home cooking
To fatten him up,” Fred claimed, “He’s our dog!”
But Tillie thought, “This pooch looks more like a hog.”
But they took poochie home, and fed him falafels
And hoagies and gyros and sweet Belgian waffles.
And he grew and he ate (He just loved filè gumbo)
And he grew till he had some resemblance to Dumbo.
“Oh, Fred,” Tillie sighed, “ This is really not funny.
The way these pets eat, we’ll soon have no more money.”
“I must think this thing out,” so she thought and she thunk –
Without some new income, their fortunes were sunk!
She stretched her brain leftways and stretched her arms right
And suddenly smiled, with an answer in sight.
She jumped in the truck and drove off in a hurry
Leaving Fred and the pets to wonder and worry.
But soon she returned, and then Fred had to laugh,
For there in the truck was a ten-foot giraffe.
And then he knew what Tillie’d thought of to do,
(With all of those pets, you prob’ly would, too)
They painted big signs for their roof and then threw
A Grand Opening party - for their new Roadside Zoo!